You mean I actually have to plan my life?

I didn't plan for this

Manifesting changes is a step-by-step process of careful planning and execution

I came across this sentence while re-reading a book¹ I own on regenerative farming. The book takes a whole biodynamic approach but what struck me about this sentence is how it differed from the way all the spiritual influencers speak of manifestation. Where all you have to do is desire something, and believe it or create your identity around it or whatever, and then it will come to you. Because you’re worthy!!!

It’s an attractive thought, really, because it eliminates all of the tough stuff. The parts where you get creative and master a plan only to have it fail miserably. Then you tweak or pivot and work really hard at another plan and maybe that one worked but perhaps a little differently than expected so you work harder to try to find what it is you’re really searching for while learning of all the things you’re definitely not and so on and so forth… You know, the stuff that usually ends up making it feel worth while in the end (I’ve heard). Although, spoiler alert, there is no end. Until you die, of course. Anyway, there is indeed value in stepping into an identity that affirms the type of person you want to become. Problem is, that’s only step one.

Manifesting changes is a step-by-step process of careful planning and execution

Here is where I think the spiritual influencers would subtly market you to book something with them that will, obviously, help you become the High Self person you’ve dreamed up for yourself. From the same person you can hear that the things “aligned” for you will “flow” to you and that you should pay them $222/hour for a life coaching session.

But I must admit, I liked this idea of things ~flowing to me cuz they were meant for me.~

I have never been one for planning and that’s putting it lightly. I detest it. I find it painfully boring and often disappointing. You are talking to the guy that will land in a new place with no sightseeing plans and often no place to sleep. The gal that will pack for a trip, nay for a MOVE across an OCEAN, the morning of the flight. The person that loves learning new things in the moment but is not thinking of what kind of entrepreneurial endeavor they can start with their freshly (barely) acquired skills afterward.

I am excited by adventure, the unknown. But the part of my brain that computes planning seems to have been uninstalled. In the planning stage everything seems daunting or overwhelming. I am, unfortunately, the first to say “fuck this.”

But maybe I actually avoid plans because I am so overwhelmed by all of the possibilities that I would rather be, almost, forced into action without having much time to think. I am incredibly comfortable using my intuition, but I don’t trust my mind. Ah, yes, now we’re getting somewhere.

a step-by-step process of careful planning and execution

It sounds miserable, but the phrase reaches out and snaps its fingers in my face to wake me up. And I believe what the phrase is telling me, I’m afraid.

I have never been a step-by-step planner. That is why I work on farms but don’t have one of my own. My instagram bio states that I live on whims. It’s fun, really it is. To flirt with the universe then leap to find the chasm is not so wide². Or perhaps, it is but you are caught by an unexpected CrazySexyCool³ net or a featherbed or something soft⁴. Sometimes you crash and burn but it doesn’t really matter or mean anything to anyone but you.

And while all this Whim Livin’ may (rightfully) bring straight anxiety to many of the people I know, it is oddly calming for me. It takes the pressure off of my mind and activates my intuition, which doesn’t usually fail me.

And there it is; it’s subtle. My newly uncovered fear of failure. I’ve only just realized this one. It has taken me a long time to learn that I have this deep-seated fear since I don’t consciously resonate with it nor have I for most of my adult life. But alas, our subconscious is the one who really runs the show and he doesn’t forget anything, that bastard. A childhood/adolescence of being forced to play competitive sports will do some things to the noncompetitive child.

Now I believe that I must add excellence or mentorship to a room, otherwise I don’t deserve to be there. Otherwise I’m getting in the way, taking up valuable space.

Now I stay away from almost any and all versions of game night. I don’t mind extreme sports because you don’t have to compete with others and can rely on your body to guide you. In other words you can “send it” and that is, clearly, my favorite thing to do.

But it turns out all these quirks are really just coping mechanisms. A story old as time.

And what about all of the expectations of excellence I felt were placed upon me during the years of competitive sports? Oh, now I insidiously transfer them onto myself as an adult. And I’m a tough coach. I could ease up.

I recently heard Tim Ferris in conversation with Andrew Huberman explain a question he likes to ask himself (this is not an endorsement or anything). Say you have 5 projects—but they are all guaranteed to fail— which would you still choose to do?

I like this question, it’s interesting to me.

a step-by-step process of careful planning and execution and failure

If I go ahead and put failure right there on the list, expect it, it seems a little less scary. The pain is in the resistance.

Sitting next to my regenerative farming book I contemplate whether I would take on such project if I knew it was going to fail. Initially, I think probs not but am awakened to the fact that the only way to learn in a garden is to try. and try again. and try something different. and try and keep trying. If you listen and respond to the land, eventually, the garden yields abundance. It requires reverence and humility. The garden is often used as a metaphor for life, ya know. It is this act of trying and doing (and doing more) that eventually shapes your garden and thus shapes you.

that’s all for today.

xx

Lex

1. Radical Regenerative Gardening and Farming by Frank Holzman

2. “A bit of advice
Given to a young Native American
At the time of his initiation:
As you go the way of life,
You will see a great chasm. Jump.
It is not as wide as you think.”

―Joseph Campbell

3. obvious TLC reference

4. Terence Mckenna reference