what are we voting for?
really
on the morning of november 8th i walked into the forest to watch the last of the leaves fall and contemplate this newsletter. it was election day in the US and a lunar eclipse in taurus. the trees were whispering. the leaves shimmied and waved as they fell. flutters of chocolate, caramel, and honey draped me in their delicious dance. i looked down to find some of them in my hair, similar colors. while i was stopped at the creek a young buck arrived atop the hill directly front of me. he felt safe, i suppose, and decided to rest. we would look at each other, then look away, admiring the dance, back and forth, soaking it all in. my clothes matched his taupe and cream fur, similar colors yet again. you’ll find pieces of yourself sprinkled everywhere in nature if you have a look.
i was engulfed by the woodsy smell rustic candlemakers attempt to capture and trap in wax, but this experience transcends a simple scent. it is inimitable. there is sometimes still a part of me that wishes to, like the candlemakers, attempt to capture it, hold on to it, share it, revisit it, but i choose to enter this forest empty handed. for a while, i used photography in this way, or at least i thought i did. i went to some beautiful places with beautiful people, but the camera hindered me from moving through the world the way that i wanted to- it kept me from entering certain spaces and participating in certain things, it drew attention, it added unwanted weight and responsibility, and it never seemed to do any of it justice because beauty isn’t what something looks like on the surface. it’s a feeling so encapsulating that you cannot be anywhere but there- experiencing it. it demands your presence. it makes you feel something you didn’t know you desperately needed.
i realized that photography, for me, was not a way to integrate into my experiences in real-time. it was actually an escape. it provided the escape i needed when i was in places i knew my soul didn’t want to be. i could create illusions within the contexts of my reality. i could create whole new narratives, which helped find some solace and taught me the power of re-framing. it gave me a medium with which to be creative and experimental when i felt it was lackluster in my daily life. that’s why when i created a new world for myself in my physical reality, and was actually living the types of adventures i used to only dream about, the camera not only become obsolete but quite the impediment. i wanted it to stay home. it began collecting layers of dust.
i yearned to be neither a captor nor simply an observer but an active participator in the way i moved through the world.
so i find it funny that on this day, in this country, it is said that i should actively participate my “civic duty” on the one day a year that The Establishment allows me to, or in the ways in which it permits me to, for many are not permitted. what a brilliant trick to convince A People that they are fulfilling their civic duty by picking captains for a game every 2 or 4 years or whatever.
get your sticker, show it off, and your civic duty box is ticked. go you!
but why should i pick the captains for a game that i’m not even playing? a game i’ve never liked, though did try playing once. normally, i wouldn’t be sitting here sharing my perspective on this because honestly who cares? but the discourse is flooding my social pages, like always mostly re-posts and regurgitations of the words of others, and it’s unsettling to me. it’s unsettling to see the same narratives vomited every year, every decade, with very little variation. what’s getting lost?
as i was sitting with The River that same morning i heard a voice in my head say, “you know it’s taboo to talk about not voting, right?” i thought for a moment and replied, “yes, but why isn’t performative action considered taboo? why isn’t lying? why isn’t destroying the planet—poisoning water, displacing people + wildlife taboo? why aren’t gerrymandering, re-districting, and food deserts taboo? why isn’t conformity taboo? why isn’t the salary given to our teachers taboo? why isn’t shame taboo? why isn’t WAR taboo??? why isn’t ALL the bullshit taboo? and how come speaking honestly about it is?
by having a monopoly on things such as higher education and healthcare politicians and corporations are able to use these as battlegrounds to keep our attention on them because if these needs were accessible, as they are everywhere else in the “developed” world, then how could they recruit marginalized kids into our Military Industrial Complex? how else could they scare women’s power away from them by threatening their bodily rights? “hey look at me! LOOK AT ME! i’m gonna ban things! over here! i’m powerful no one can stop me! wait, look AT ME!!”
what do you call someone with a savior complex but said savior is actually the destroyer?
a missionary?
yes, please quit colonizing already.
but also a politician, probably. and something that both religion and politics know all too well is that together people are powerful and that women are powerful. that has always been a big part of the problem. i used to think— wow! women are really hated out here. but i learned that no, we are not hated, we are feared.
Ouch, The Witch Wound.
as far as i know women have always had to hide, withstand, burn, scream, roar. we bleed, a lot, monthly! and do not die. we carry a force and willingness that is to be marveled at. despite everything, women have continued to care for and nurture the world. we heal- ourselves and others. we create and sustain life. we help others transition to death. women have a source of power inherited from the earth. this is why we’re feared. others try to take from us as they take from the earth but who are they anyway?? this rich history, the knowledge, the wisdom, and the power cannot be taken away. only you can give your power up and if you have, never fear! it can be retrieved again. you are not broken. we will continue to protect each other regardless of who claims to be “in power” at the time, just as we always have.
i am intimate with change. a big problem i have with our current political and judicial systems is that change either moves at a glacial pace or not at all and i KNOW that change does not have to function like that. some things take time, sure, but legislation can change in the blink of an eye- it’s all MADE UP! and yet, it doesn’t change. we just keep talking about the same shit. it’s all a circus performance- the jumping through hoops, the cages, the clowns.. people are imprisoned (see: our current model of slavery. see also: not allowed to vote) in the US right now for things that are legal. people are imprisoned, or worse, both here and across the world for defending their right to a home, to their homelands, for speaking out against cruelty, for standing up for their loved ones and WE are complicit in that if we continue to vote the perpetrators in. OUR leaders are signing off on the atrocities, regardless of which “side” they’re on. OUR tax dollars are funding genocide in places we have no business (except BU$INESS 🤑🤑🤑) being in. how can so many overt atrocities be taking place yet no one is able to do anything about it??? what is the point of a UN if it has no influence over rogue, power-hungry nations? can we please stop pretending ANY of this makes sense? what ARE we really voting for? someone’s next big career move? could it be, perhaps, that we see no change because we are playing their game by their rules? why would An Imperialist give us a game in which they may have to concede power?
they wouldn’t.
children are given games to entertain them,
quiet them down,
preoccupy them.
the shame dealt to those who don’t vote bears a striking resemblance to what i’ve seen in witch trials, christianity, and other dogmatic religions but let us not forget i played the game once, too! ahh yes….
:eyes roll up and over to the memory cloud floating above my head and the flashback plays:
it was the end of 2020 and i was living in nyc at the time. it was post uprisings, midst of COVID-19, and pre a “very important” senate run-off election happening in whaddayakno my home state of georgia. the US presidential election just happened, my apartment burned down 3 days later, and i didn’t have a job. i wanted to flee west but knew i was meant to fly south. so i did. i went home to be with my grandma and i worked with campaigns to get these “important” senators elected mostly because i knew it would get people that needed money an immediate check. it wasn’t much but i thought it might be a start. it all stopped there. i even quit canvassing early because something felt so wrong in my body while doing it.
they won. some of us got a check. woohoo. but i was unsatisfied and i could not shake that lingering icky feeling of having voted for Biden and Harris two months prior. it went against everything i believed in but i was playing the game, remember? i was caught up in First Person Shooter Mode and doing what i was “supposed” to do. after months of demanding the abolition of police as they used military force against us in the streets i, for the first time, did my civic duty— i voted for a war criminal and a cop.
maybe this election game always feels rigged to someone because it is, but they’re not playing each other, they’re playin’ us. The Establishment has always been two sides of the same coin. they take turns playing Big Boss but the same people continue to suffer, here and abroad. Our “leaders” act out our nations twisted imperialist fantasies, bomb other nations, commit (see also: was founded on) genocide, cage humans, assassinate change makers (then later give them a holiday), poison citizens, and start wars with our attention as our votes and our tax dollars fund it.
speaking of civic duty, look at this fun bill that wants to FORCE PEOPLE TO VOTE (and other things??)! HOW COOL! 2-PARTY DEMOCRACY! LET FREEDOM FREAKIN' RING BABY!
i believe our civic duties should look more like
writing a card for your mom
volunteering at a shelter
planting trees
having someone’s back
working your community garden
resourcing unhoused folks
taking fresh food to food deserts
feeding a stranger
feeding a loved one
feeding yourself
laughing with a child
sharing knowledge
attending a community meeting
texting to make sure your friend made it home safely
watering your neighbor’s plants while they’re away
stopping harmful development
recycling
resting
healing
having tea with your grandma
etc.
i guess there’s only two sides because that’s all that fits on our coins, but there are many types of currency and, besides, i am not pleased with a ‘lesser of two evils’ option. why should my energy be spent there? i mean, even “good” politicians seeking justice are unable to make an impact as an outlier (lookin’ at you, bernie) or as a woman simply standing up for rights. the system is broken. or was it Born This Way?
there is still an area in kensignton (brooklyn) that haunts me to this day (i can say as i was there 1 month ago) because it reminds me of people rejoicing in the street the day biden/harris were elected presidents. as people danced around decked out in red, white, and blue for this same but different presidency i felt anger, but it was misdirected. i realize now that i wasn’t angry at them at all, i was angry at myself for betraying my deep inner knowing. i was caught up in the politics of it all (sure why not, pun intended).
i will not betray myself again. how can i claim to defend the forests and the rivers? how can i claim to be building toward Black and Indigenous liberation if i am voting their decimators into office? have we forgotten that these polarities, this greed, these systems, and ultimately, this loss of connection is what brought us here in the first place????
a lovely friend and anti-Reader sent this to me. seems to fit snuggly right here.
today is 11/11, it’s raining and the voting discourse continues. my wish is for clarity. all over the internet i am flooded with things reminding me it’s been far too long since my last social media break. 2 years later same ole story. same presidents doing [???] same senate run-off election in my state and same exact narrative— world going to 🔥 HELL🔥 no matter who wins!!! if you’re in georgia you’ve seen the ads. fear mongering is the name of the game in most systems of control. my religious dogma senses are tingling again as i have flashbacks to my christian school days. and yes, of course, both of the candidates are very religious. give me a better example of the “two sides of the same coin” stuff that our politics are made of than that. i’ve always said my high school was like a microcosm of our country. it would be comical if it wasn’t so infuriating.
btw, this is not an anti-voting newsletter. okay, maybe it is but ONLY in the sense that this is the ANTI-experience. if voting makes you feel empowered and sexy then VOTE YOU SEXY THING YOU! i ain’t perpetuating the shame and i definitely don’t need people to Do As I Do. there are folks out there doing incredible work and i’m not here to diminish any of it. i just think it’s important to really dig deep into why we do things, to understand the games we are playing (and thereby continuing) and to understand the rules so that we can play better, or differently. there can be such an ingrained “that’s how it’s always been done” mentality in people that it keeps them complacent. people tend to think they can’t make a difference, and i get it, it’s easier to think that and go about your life but you and i both know it’s nothing but a cop out. if you can rally a community with courage and conviction, well, there will be change. the trick is knowing where to focus it.
voting on a ballot for a bunch of people you don’t know one day a year means nothing because the truth is no one is coming to save us, but the choices we make every day mean everything. we are voting with every single word we utter. we are voting with our money- where u spendin’ it? we are voting with our attention- where you spendin’ it? our time- where you spendin’ it? our work. our art. our actions. our love.
these little choices turn into little moments that make up our entire lives.
there are always choices in this Game of Life. luckily, here, we have more than just 2 ;)
with lots of love
xoxo
lex