The Azure, The Ant, and The Unbearable Lightness
stories on pain, depth, and the gift of going unnoticed
The other day a little azure butterfly landed on my foot while I was sitting on a large rock in front of a steadily flowing river. Physically, I couldn’t feel a thing but my eyes did not deceive me. I watched as the butterfly sputtered around exploring this new landscape; earnestly traversing the dips between my toes; stopping for stability by spreading their tiny legs and hanging on tightly with each sudden gust of wind the same way I do when standing in a moving subway car as if to say I got this don’t worry, it ain’t my first rodeo to the captivated audience on the edge of their seats. I kept still so as to not disturb the butterfly and noticed a very small ant also exploring the same foot. I smiled. I was moved by my inability to feel them partake in such an adventure: the exploration of what I assume to be new territory for these two teeny insects— a human foot.
I have this extremely annoying existential struggle where my avatar has a desire to recognized for any value I may add to an environment, but also feels uncomfortable with being seen or recognized. So the latter part will tug back on any “cringe” desire I may have of being validated for my work by strategically placing myself under the radar before taking flight, only to wonder where my fans are at? Tug of War with YOURSELF, you say? Super cute!! Not self-sabotaging at all.
If you’re astrologically oriented, my Chiron is in Leo and there’s probably a lot of insight there that I don’t feel like researching.
I was once— arguably still am— a person who thought that ~depth~ needed to be a requirement for basically everything I engaged with. Skip the small talk, it’s all or nothing with me, baybee! I don’t want to hear about the weather (what’s wrong with the weather?) or your job (I kinda stand by this one) I want you to tell me your darkest secret, your biggest fear, the trouble you cause, the weight of your world…
Exhausting, I know!
So imagine my surprise when the dude I was obsessed with (RARE) at age 24 told me he was moving to another country to find suitable work. At that time we lived in Spain where unemployment was high and pay was low and his only job offer of working for 5€/hour as a delivery person didn’t suit him and his Harvard degree. We somehow managed to squeeze time out of our oh so busy schedules (him with no job, me working 20 hrs a week) to meet outside of a fucking metro station to say ~goodbye.~
We shared a spliff on a bench and I can’t even remember if we kissed or not but I do remember as I was walking away advising him to go forth and get his shit together, respectfully. Afterwards I missed the stop where I was meeting friends because 1) I was a little high and 2) I was brooding over the casual goodbye we had just had. After everything we’ve been through?? And by that I meant, after everything I read into and placed unneeded ~weight~ on while you were pragmatically playing cryptic aloof guy because “with girls like Lexi you have to play it cool”1????
Dissatisfied with our goodbye I texted him to see if I was crazy because that’s always a good idea. His response obviously made me feel like I indeed was. He responded, “I liked that it was so light. Goodbyes are so disconcerting.” He also mentioned that he liked me telling him to go forth and get his shit together. Red flags everywhere but the hashish caused them all to fade off into the background. All subtext clouded by grief.
He liked that it was so light???? I thought. Please, not The Unbearable Lightness of Being.2 I wanted depth! Satisfactory sadness!! Maybe even a tear or two!
I accepted his answer because, remember, I’m Lexi and I Play It Cool. Then I lamented about it to my patient friends over cañas3 once I finally managed to get off at the appropriate metro stop.
I resented this romance to lightness for years afterward. There’s a part of me that still does. But then, a miraculous thing happened. Then that azure landed on my foot, and the ant crawled up it, and suddenly I was awestruck to witness such lightness! Such brilliance in anonymity, especially for the artist, the student, the explorer. You can make things, shitty things! for fun! You can explore the world, assimilate, do as the Romans do, and get away with it because no one knows who you are! You can try and fail. You can change your mind, change your lifestyle, change your career and never have to explain it to anyone. You can fuck up and not have to make a public apology so generic it sounds like it was written by Chat GPT.
A haiku
Azure and the ant
to be a witness of such
lightness is a gift
To be small is a blessing. To go unnoticed carries it’s own special magic.
Back on the rock by the running river, I lost myself out of (as opposed to in) the moment and began to lift my right arm. With the same quickness with which they landed, the Azure fluttered away without a trace.
Upon leaving this makeshift butterfly sanctuary I stubbed my big toe—the same toe to which our butterfly was earnestly clinging— on a large tree root protruding out of the ground a few steps away. Of course I had recently clipped my toenails so the once peaceful butterfly landing ground was now gushing blood like a geyser from hell. Many reactionary thoughts also began gushing: Um, ow! How am I going to go climbing like this? Ow. How am I even going to make it all the way back to the house? Maybe the dirt from the trail will clot the bleeding. But then am I gonna have to fish it all out? Dirt don’t hurt, right? Is this why humans always wear shoes on trails? Hey, remember that time you scraped your body up and rolled your ankle while running on broken concrete in Madrid? lmao that was much worse, and in SHOES no less! Ow. You have to keep walking so just walk. Go forth and get your shit together.
And go forth I did.
My toe was throbbing and incessantly bleeding. My foot was stinging all over and these sensations were strikingly similar to the ones my heart and gut once experienced when the only man I can ever remember desiring with such vigor (while obviously playing it Too Cool) suddenly up and left with that Unbearable Lightness of Being.
But I kept my bare feet moving and eventually the pain became just another sensation amongst the myriad of sensations.
My wish for us, ANTIREADER, is that in the Age of Virality we may find freedom in a diminutive life.
love you.
This man really said these words to one of our mutual friends when we started spending time together and friend asked how it was going.
novel by Milan Kundera
small draft beer in Spain