i'm sick of healing

but the show must go on

I just sent a message to an old roommate admitting that [i believe] what keeps me returning to a state of liminality is my resistance (lack of desire?) to truly commit to something, (anything?? ok not anything but) bigger than myself. my main focus over the years has apparently been to stay as open as possible, which has served me immensely, but can also leave me feeling empty or isolated.

it is now almost noon as i walk out into a dense Georgia fog. the temperature is mild but the asphalt is cold and sharp on my bare feet. i typically wear sandals when walking along the road, removing them once i arrive at the trails, but this time i wanted something new. it was wet outside so i figured it wouldn’t be too bad but as i feel the sharp roughness of the worn down asphalt piercing my feet- and keep a keen eye out for glass amidst the scattered litter- i almost immediately regret my decision. with each sharp footstep i can also feel the sting of the piercing sensation in my upper back and even higher up to my shoulders.

a word keeps popping into my head lately and grabbing my attention— perseverance… ugh, and each time i want to push it away because it sounds like long, vague road of struggle to me. meanwhile all of my Capricorn placements are giving me disapproving looks as they wait for the rest of my Venusian ass to catch up with their Saturnian ways. my mind is making my bare feet flinch on the road but they do keep moving, they know where to go. all my mind is thinking is i can’t wait to reach that damn forest floor.

even that jaggy initial descent immediately upon arrival, usually met with some resistance, is embraced. it brings instant relief even among all the roots and pines and American Sweetgums. the pines with hundreds of spiky scales from their cones sprinkled like confetti atop the sharp brown straw covering the trail and the American Sweetgums with their famous brown prickly “sweetgum balls” that Georgia folk, esp. those who still play barefoot, know all too well. beneath all these Pokey Pals lies the Soft Soil that soothes and cradles feet like a grandmother tending to an ache. the many layers of the winter trail meet my body with a warm welcome. it’s the first time i’m walking the forest since my last knee flare up. i know why my feet brought me here, same reason i’ve always come here— to heal.

mama Earth’s negatively charged electrons are entering through my feet and balancing out my positively charged human crap. reducing the inflammation in my knee not to mention a considerable amount of other benefits going beyond the physical body.

wow thank you, Earth!!!! and thanks, sweet Feet! 🦶

~~

to be frank, i am tired of “healing” and the narrative around everyone needing to heal before we can have anything resembling a functioning world but alas, i am injured and mama Earth is terribly injured, and i’m guessing you might be too. we have to do more than reckon with that. self-awareness is fine, i guess, but it means absolutely nothing without action. it’s imperative that we start making major changes in the ways we view/treat the land, each other, ourselves and our bodies. the order may be different for everyone, but it doesn’t matter because they’re all connected. start where it feels easiest. for me it is easiest to start with the Earth. maybe for you it’s easier to start with a friend or a total stranger! go crazy!

what are some actionable and physical land things you can do, you ask? great question, anti-Reader!

some anti-suggestions :

• learn to compost

• regenerate the soil in your own backyard /

or your community garden /

or an abandoned lot

• plant some native species

• watch your ecosystem change

• watch it change you

(you are a part of the ecosystem)

it’s the least we could do.

but this isn’t really about “saving” the Earth, you know, for the Earth will spin on as she always has. this is about mending our RELATIONSHIP to the Earth (see: all of Robin Wall Kimmerer’s work) aka all the beings that walk this earth including, especially, ourselves. nothing else will work. i dont care what some tech bro in the Bay Area told you about desalinating the ocean when we run out of water. this mending of relationships, this return to deep reverence and understanding and true care, is the only way we will save our species, along with many others. it’s all really up to us and if your doctor or therapist or guru isn’t telling you that then you might considering finding a new one.

~

out of the forest and back on the asphalt, i meet the road with less physical resistance this time but an energetic one arises fast. i hear the highway roaring in the distance. i survey the area and prepare to cross the street of zooming cars- no cross walks in sight. there is something about the audacity of cars that makes me feel unsettled, angry even. there are many a great deal of households here where each person living it has a separate vehicle for themselves. i wonder if the American knows that most of the world does not, indeed, cannot live like this. we’ve dubbed these lifestyles of excess “necessary” without noticing the backs we must crush in order to obtain them. we export war to import resources. we eradicate ancient civilizations and entire species in nothing but a few years but at least we have, like, 14 iPhones. yes, thank god we’ve revered billionaires instead of our ancestors.

i return home to a missed call from my best friend with exciting news. i eat a lunch that reminds me of my lineage- layers of different textures and flavors that feel good in my soul and my body. i check my phone and see that the police have just shot and killed a forest defender in the Weelaunee (atlanta) forest.

i know that it’s always peaks and valleys

but when will this cycle of destruction end?

i certainly don’t have the answer.

long live the land and the water and all who defend them

🌿🌿🌿

now dearest anti-Reader, i’d like to share with you some things i’ve experienced here on this ole’ mother Earth recently that for reasons i cannot articulate make me feel FULL ❤️ we are worth protecting

some things :

the smell of the forest after rain

a small spider web shaped like a cradle covered in dew inside of a tiny tree hole

walking, not driving, to the river

synchronicities with your best friend

a house finch belting their song in the heavy rain

cooking a meal that tastes so good you want to make it for your friends

cooking said meal with/for your friends

~~

i return to the conversation with my former roommate and what a lovely conversation it has been; the power of a random moment of vulnerability. in sitting with these feelings of commitment to the larger, need for openness, cause of emptiness, etc. i begin to see that maybe it isn’t really about finding a specific “thing” that is out there for you, or even creating some new “thing” to do, but maybe it’s more about finding the intersection between ourselves and something bigger than ourselves. we’re all experiencing this collective “dream” as many cultures, like the Toltec, would call it. (Life, collective experience, consciousness, whatever!!) sooo i guess my mission is to uncover (not discover) where my world/my dream intersects with the collective world/dream. namely, how and where do i use my knowledge and gifts to aid in “healing” and shaping the collective experience.

for now the only way i know to do this is writing.

~

to Robin Wall Kimmerer, bell hooks, Mary Oliver, and not least my grandmother whom, in many ways, trail-blazed the path i walk today and continue to teach me how to better live as a part of this sacred Earth, i am deeply humbled and forever grateful.

now, anti-Reader, get out there and hug a damn tree

for all our sakes