the sun enters taurus

and is dancing,

proudly,

between the trees,

straight through my window,

and into my eyes.

raising the corners of my mouth while getting my circadian rhythm on track. i love when mr. sun, the trees, and the wind all get together to do a little jive. a little boogie. the birds join in. sweet symphony of synchronicities. a performance so grand yet so intimate that it feels like it’s just for me.

i want to emulate that kind of intimacy with others. to dance freely outside in the open with them for no reason other than because we are alive. no concert, no orchestra. WE are the performance and our lives the visual representations, the examples, of the world we wish to see. and so it is. yes, that which we cultivate within ourselves becomes our world. it is reflected in everything we do. what kind of systems do you want to see? seriously, take a second to think about it… i believe it’s a decent question.

💭 💭 💭

ok, now take all of those things as a manifesto to model your relationships after. your relationships are the systems you operate within. your world is a reflection of yourself.

we get it, lex!!!

OURCHESTRA from where the sidewalk ends by shel silverstein

speaking of relationships… do you mind if i share some things i’ve learned about myself with you, beloved Reader?

if you’ve continued reading then i suppose you don’t mind.

word. as i was saying, in relationships, specifically romantic relationships, i have this tendency (defense mechanism) to “expect” people to read my mind. when they inevitably don’t (can’t, obviously) and therefore don’t meet my needs, i am then able to say to myself.. “see Lex, they’ll always disappoint you. only you can take care of yourself! at least you’ve never disappointed you.” somewhere along the way my young avatar found that to avoid disappointment it was easier to simply not express my needs. not ask for things. not say how it made me feel. that way, no one could have that power/control over me. needless to say, i don’t do well with disappointment so i picked up this ✨ tool ✨(defense mechanism) to add to my Survival Tool Box for this Life Game. you might be thinking, but Lex… wasn’t an unfulfilled need also terribly disappointing?? and the answer is- yes!! of course it was! but i guess that somehow hurt less than someone i loved letting me down (losing someone i love). loyalty, knowing someone can pull up, is a big for me. some may tie that back to an abandonment wound? idk, i’m not a therapist…

…but allow me to psychoanalyze myself. i mean, i turn 30 tomorrow and that seems as good a time as any to do some reflecting 🤪

i guess something you realize as you get older is that some of the tools you acquired along the way, though maybe necessary at a time, are not only unnecessary now but are pretty damn heavy and weighing you down… or bringing you back to similar circumstances. similar situations, feelings. for you astro nerds out there, i’m currently deep in my saturn return and something i’ve been noticing now more than ever before are patterns. in nature, in humans, in myself. it’s a funny thing to notice certain patterns about yourself but have no idea why they are repeating, how you are perpetuating them, and what you need to solve in order to break them and move on to the next level. this Life Game is fun, huh?

i’ve gotten quite comfortable in the discomfort of liminality. discomfort is where expedited growth happens for me (and most). i believe i spend so much time being liminal by “not knowing what i want” because i know the power of my decision making. choice is my favorite illusion and once i make one, boom, it must be done. guided by my intuition, choice is easy. i have cultivated full and complete trust in myself and for that i am very thankful, but i will procrastinate those choices because what follows is usually the more difficult stuff. subsequent events usually include leaps and goodbyes and lots of solitary searching. so i stand in my own way for a moment of simplicity which can really be translated to a moment of not taking full responsibility for my life, of playing the NPC (non-player character), of thinking i’m supposed to wait around for things to happen to me. and that’s okay, too. paradoxically though, it is these moments of perceived “simplicity” that actually create more discomfort for me because that is not how my avatar likes to roll. it likes a bit of a challenge, even if it pretends that it doesn’t.

i haven’t figured much out, yet, but i’m paying attention. at first i was worried about how i would tie up this week’s ritual in a pretty little bow for you, but then the voices in my head yelled, “you don’t even like bows!” and then, “you don’t always have to have all the answers” even if i feel as though i’m expected to most of the time. i personally enjoy when a writer respects me enough not to spoon feed me. when they leave things up to interpretation. it’s good exercise to have the space to draw your own conclusions, to come up with your own answers. so with that, sweet Reader, i will leave you with some things i’m currently exploring for myself. (i was about to start talking your [eyes] off about death so you can thank me for stopping here. for now ;)

some things:

• what ancestral traumas follow me in my relationships & how can i work through them?

• what past wounds are robbing my pleasure in the present?

• why does attention overwhelm me? does it make me feel unsafe?

  fun fact: as a child, i would cry when people 1) sang happy birthday to me 2) tried to put me in a dress and/or 3) attempted to tie my hair out of my face

• how can i make expressing my needs feel less daunting and more delicious?

“i can’t lie i need you, mr. sun”

😋

that’s all for today. from the bottom of my lil heart- thank you for being here. i love you. i am blowing you a big kiss. i can’t wait to chat with you next week, in my grown up “30s” voice. i always thought i’d be pretty cool in my 30s. let’s see…

xx

lex