I did not know why I had refused to understand it for such a long time, but what I needed was to be alone, and to go deeply into my fears: to fall down many, many times, in order to start again.” - Pergentino José, Red Ants
My girl Jessie (heyiloveyou💞 ) gifted me a rare and special book when we reunited this summer after 6 long “years” apart and I stop this as soon as i begin to ponder what exactly has guided me in choosing the greatest family for myself. Dispersed and displaced all over the world like my ancestry, like pieces of my lil ole’ soul. How they know without knowing exactly what I need. Exactly when I need it.
My Life is ruled by Pretty Planet Venus
That Primordial Creature
got me sippin’ rose tea w/ sourwood honey
fondness for Beauty n Harmony
Swimming in Seas of Sensu - al - iii - tyyyyyy
Love , Pleasure , Potent Connection
Mountain of feathered pillows 2too high to2 measure
but
my Sssoul might be a Ssscorpio
or some Plutonian Power
the depth it craves
“REBIRTH!” it demands
the rate at which it isolates
shapeshifts
T r a n s f o r m s
I love beauty
unless it’s conventional
and the connection I mentioned?
can get messy
because yes, I love Love!
but 2many confuse
Love for Desire
making clear that our Desires ain't the same.
Don’t freak out
but your gadgets are no good here
and your Little Earthly Desires will be forced to melt away
where are we going you ask?
Ha!
Birthplace of Venus
hold your breath..
..and my hand if you’d like
we’re going deeper.
Ah!
into the ocean
it's a long way down . . . . . . .
Are You Afraid of The Death?
Cuz I’ve learned that u gotta get close enough to it . . . . . .
to catch The Life
like Venus emerging from her shell
and Mothers roaring out new lives
from the depths of The Darkest Night
the Terrified Newborns charge head first into a Foreign Light
The Womb of Life = The Tomb of Death
and this is just one way I (a Terrified Newborn)
vehemently seek out my Fears
Over
and over and
Over
Again
until I can stand alongside them
caress them , learn to love them
Alone
I seek out the darkness
at a glacial pace I find warm light
a natural glow, nothing sanctified
I hate when a room is too bright.
and you too can have The Birth of Venus at your own party for only $6.99 a lb!!
One evening 2 of my best friends died on one of my birthdays and in my youth state of grief i began to believe that I hated goodbyes (I already hated the fawning that accompanied birthdays, which naturally brought on even more). So I started saying goodbye, a lot. People talk about facing their fears… well, i gorged myself with mine. gluttonous. With a mouth full of fear I wasn’t even saying goodbye at all. Like a madman, I was dropping things, breaking them, and moving on left and right. I would flee at any sign of difficulty or potential betrayal that may have led me to actually have to say The G(oodbye) Word. donning a look of apathy. feeling numb.
Once upon another time I moved across an ocean to a land I’d never been and I didn’t really tell anyone I was leaving. Due to the unforeseen circumstances of Life that final week, I wasn’t even sure I’d make it out myself. It wasn’t until I was saying The G Word (that thing i had somehow avoided and gorged, simultaneously, for 10 years!) to the man I was leaving at the airport, the man that loved me the way that I loved freedom, that I realized something. With everything that I had left fitting on my person (2 suitcases and a backpack). With truly no idea what was on the other end of that Airplane Portal. No place to live, no one to greet on the other side. As I settled into my seat on the plane (temporary home: 8 hours, 1 meal), I was filled with a stark composure that surprised me at first. Not a hint of sadness. Not a trace of fear. I realized that I finally felt free.
Even still, It took me a while to figure out that i didn’t hate goodbyes. That they actually keep me alive. Goodbyes are one of the only things that allow me to feel some of my rawest, most honest feelings. They realllly show me what I want to keep and what I want to release. They are an integral part of my growth. Necessary for expansion. They aid in the collapsing of my old timelines in order to jump onto the new ones.
I am built for strong relationships and I require an insane amount of alone time. I want unconditional love and complete freedom. I used to think I was wrong for that. My people have shown me otherwise. I send them love letters from different timelines all over the world. I already know that I have the capacity to create any life i want for myself. They remind me that it isn’t just one of my silly little illusions (or delusions). And don’t get me wrong i love silly little illusions (Choice is my personal fave, as you may know). But my relationships serve as reminders that my power is also there, alive and well, rooted in the love and radical acceptance we have for one another— and most importantly, that Goodbyes are never really Goodbye. Illusions are just the vessels i use to get where i need to go. now you know one of my secrets. that one’s free ! i suppose they’re all free
Things tends to come full circle (I would argue it’s actually a spiral but that’s a conversation for another “day”). Flash forward a few “years” and I’m leaving this foreign land turned beloved home with everything I had left fitting on my person, yet again, (this time only 1 suitcase and a backpack) priding myself on getting even better at Letting Go. But this time I was with someone who hated goodbyes even more than I once thought I did. This time he fled at the difficulty of a potential goodbye. He booked a flight for himself, fleeing the city where we shared a moment of our lives together, just 1 day before my dreaded departure. He didn’t wanna say goodbye. I get it.
I thought I’d go it alone but someone else took me all the way to airport security. Someone who “would say it’s come full circle but circles are closed so I won’t say it.” Someone I love very much. Sippin’ 2 then 4 overpriced Alhambra Reservas we tried hard to ignore that noisy Trickster Time, ticking, taunting, tearing. You see, this time I didn’t want to leave. Not even a little bit. Not at all. I barely made my flight but once I settled into my seat I was filled with the same composure I remembered from years prior.
Goodbyes are an illusion (like choices, like “years”). Time is so clearly not linear, that trickster. Home, for me, is everywhere and nowhere. I love my sacred goodbyes ! My insignificant choices. My illusions ! They form visceral reminders of what is important to my avatar. They are a chance for my soul to scream what it wants and for my body to reallly hear it. To feel, to honor, to grieve. They teach me to express gratitude and then to let go.
May this serve as a reminder if you need it, lovely reader. You never know what may come back around. You never know what a new timeline may bring.
Happy New Year if you’re embracing the illusion of “years”. You don’t have to have a resolution (to me, it’s feelin’ more like an excavation). I think it is very cool to simply appreciate that magnificence of what is until you’re ready to say thanks and move on. Then you can just grab an illusion and jump a timeline or whatever ;)
Sending you a warrrrm embrace and a soft peck on your delicate nose. We love intimacy here at everything and nothing <3
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