Cycles of Destruction

and fanning the flame

As an act-now-and-figure-out-what-it-all means-later Girlie I won’t usually turn down an adventure. I don’t overthink my own actions or the actions of others, I follow the feeling. I also recognize patterns— like my reoccurring dreams of having to strategically hide from terrifying human invaders seemingly intent on causing serious harm to anyone they come across. It’s only a matter of time before they find me, unless ofc I hide well enough. In the dream the people around me are not great at hiding and I worry for them but they are in too much of a panic to act effectively. I wince at the thought of what will happen to them, us, but I usually wake up before I am found. Any Jungian types want to analyze that?

I’ve been reckless lately and since I can recognize a pattern I figure I should contemplate why. Usually the recklessness occurs when I have a major Life thing to figure out and I don’t yet know what to do. Instead I will procrastinate by oscillating between chasing dopamine and feeling stuck, which feels a lot like self-pity’s prideful cousin. Sometimes the Life thing is overt and obvious like, “yo your visa is about to expire and you need to figure out where the hell you’re gonna go and what you’re gonna do there.” The covert situations are more insidious because they take longer to notice.

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I don't love you, I just love the bomb. I let it burn, but it just had to be done. And I'm in ruins, but is it what I wanted all along?

- Florence Welch

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In my contemplation I’ve been giving myself some therapy by sitting with my adolescent self: she’s radiant, bold, and frankly i’m awestruck of her. People always told her she’d be famous for something, she just had that way about her. I peer into her deeply. I want to know when she stopped shining and why. Something in that little girl got seriously stunted and it’s stifling the woman I am today. I want to know how I can help her actualize because until I can figure it out, this pattern [of feeling stuck / of recklessness / of destroying to ~break free~] will continue.

Do I like the sensation of Breaking Free? No, that’s not quite it. I think I like the sensation of freedom I feel after breaking free. I’ll never forget how I felt sitting on an airplane flying across an ocean to a new home where I knew no one. I left everything I’d ever known and loved armored with 2 suitcases and a backpack headed to an unknown land with unrevealed possibilities. I felt pure contentment. I cannot remember feeling that way since. Who knows though, memories are tricky.

i have this tendency to hang out in liminality for so long, being open to everything, tasting new flavors, that I eventually get swept up by something or someone. I will go along for the ride because it’s fun and easy. I’m adaptable and relational situations are a piece of cake for me, that is until i begin to lose any bit of agency over my life. Then I will start to feel restless, frustrated, or lost. In my confusion I will do nothing (I am bad at communicating my needs. we’re working on it). Then I will rebel.

Adolescent Lex and Woman Lex to each other once they’ve co-created a situation that they now have to escape from.

It’s always baffled me that people visit Escape Rooms for fun. The idea sounds dreadful to me but I’m realizing only now that those people probably aren’t feeling this excruciating urge in their normal waking lives... or dreams when they sleep.

surely there are healthier ways to feel freedom. Lmk in the comments!

🤠

Adolescent Lex was passionate and her fire has certainly dimmed but was never fully snuffed out. I know this because it bubbles up sometimes, begging to be set free. But you see, along the way certain things she showed passion for were taken away. In other cases they were not even afforded to her, and worse was when they were used against her. So a younger version of me learned that it was not safe to have passions. Excitement often lead to disappointment. I learned it was better to play in the worlds of others because this way I had some kind of control. If it was all suddenly ripped away from me, it wouldn’t hurt that bad. If my emotions were not wrapped up in the Thing then it could not be used to disappoint me. If I didn’t really care that much then no one would see it as something they could hurt me with.

And now here we are, Anti-Reader, searching for the Fire of Love together. Thanks for being on this journey with me. That’s all for today, but you know I will keep you posted on whether I figure out how to fan the ole’ flame again.

And if you haven’t seen the documentary (Fire of Love, 2022) yet I highly Anti-recommend !!

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TO PAID SUBSCRIBERS:

let me know below (since only you have commenting privilege) if you want a digital copy of Murakami’s memoir that I’m currently reading and we can read along together. It’s mostly about running and writing so probably not for everyone. I may make mention if it in the next essay. Should we, like, start a book club???

that’s a joke i am not a book club gal.

thank you for financially honoring this space ❤️

bye bye bye for now