beans, not things,

are good for your heart <3

at the beginning of the week i was telling you how i wanted to say more things about ~things~ but i was already tired of talking about said things. last week was a weird one. i returned from mexico and my least favorite thing about traveling is traveling. am i going to keep explaining words by repeating words?

this is off to a great start

it’s because i just jumped right in without greeting you like i normally do, isn’t it? look, sometimes i like to skip the formalities. sue me! jk, pls don’t sue me i don’t have any money for you.

money is funny (😜) because it has me thinking that i need to acquire more of it ASAP, while navigating feelings of ISOLATION in the city i grew up in, knowing good and well and even discussing with companions the many ways in which money (and ~things~) ISOLATES you. or stresses you. or literally & figuratively weighs.you.down. traveling, in its many forms, will quickly remind you of that. and yet…. i’m over here already feeling those things thinking that money is gonna be the thing that solves it? it would laughable if it wasn’t so pathetic. once upon a time, i lived in a shoebox of an attic flat in madrid. i stayed in that tiny place for all the years i was there. at the end of the school/work years and beginning of Hot (hot like extremely sweaty) Girl Summers i would be dead set on finally finding a bigger flat. one with, at least, normal sized windows that would allow some kind of view and maybe a decent cross-breeze instead of a few tiny cut out squares that were sprinkled throughout that burning hot attic where, in some areas, you had to duck to avoid hitting your head on the ceiling.

but then, i would spend that last month of those summers in morocco where you sleep along the walls of a common living room with multiple people, sharing every meal and tea together and suddenly, my suffocating flat felt overly commodious because i had the privacy of my own room and the ability to separate (isolate?) myself from others. i’d stay in the flat for another year wondering where i ever found the gall to feel the way i had felt 3 months prior just “neeeding more space.” lather, rinse, repeat. so you may be wondering, okay lex… then what’s your deal now? what’s with this sudden quest of space and asset acquisition? is it masochism? hedonism, perhaps? greeed? i thought you knew better…

well, i don’t. whenever i come back to the states i get this feeling that everything is backwards or upside down and it makes me dizzy. like i ended up in some nightmare dimension because why the hell is a burrito $20???!! why are people hungry when there is an abundance of resources (see also: why is a burrito $20)? why is everyone gatekeeping? how are politicians not extinct yet? why are we acting like all this shit is normal?! why am i trying to figure out how to acquire ~things~ while simultaneously recognizing how isolating ~things~ are especially in the types of environments that i actually find to be fulfilling. damn, this colonizer’s paradise really got me thinking acquisition is the only way.

i know what you’re thinking… lex, we already did the material insecurity thing, like, 2 weeks ago and i said i was gonna get over it so can i just get over it? but this will be different, i swear...

lately, the late anthony bourdain has been subtly finding his way into my life. prior to this i’d seen a couple episodes of parts unknown, 1 of which did feel a lil special to me, but that’s about it. i will spare you all the details but lets just say there have been many silly synchronicities. i roll with it, as one does, and am now over halfway through his bestselling book that was in the house though i never really noticed before, kitchen confidential (shout out to the guy behind me on the plane mentioning it). yea yeahh, you know the one. i guess the book is what made him famous, at least, that’s what i gathered from just finishing Roadrunner, the documentary they have of him on HBO. I rarely get on streaming services. my HBO algorithm is fully and completely that of a friend who’s tv i put the password on one night after he picked me up from the airport. he’s the only one that uses my channel but randomly, i opened the HBO app and boom (BAM!) it was the first recommendation that came up and it took up half the screen. i had just set the book down to take a break from reading, only to come across a documentary on my new subject and since i’m still along for the Anthony Bourdain Ride i hit play.

“travel isn’t always pretty. you go away, you learn, you get scarred, marked, changed in the process. it even breaks your heart.”

um cue the freakin’ anti-experience ! tf. bourdain casually states this in the doc and i feel it, palpably, in my chest. it’s not even memories that flood my mind upon hearing, but feelings that flood my heart, apparently. like an amalgamation of all types of emotions that have been previously blended together rush straight through me with an uncommon intensity. it’s not one of those feelings you try to sort out with silly illusions like “bad” or “good” you just know you’re grateful as hell for them. all of it wrapped up inside of you lying dormant waiting to be triggered. activated. summoned. travel does change you.

and it really does break your heart.

one day, i’ll understand the meaning of all these bourdain lessons, why i’m on this Bourdain Train (lol sry). yes, i like to make meaning out of my life! don’t sue me! the game is more fun this way. the Bourdain Train (not sry this time) sorta feels like a reminder… somethin’ bout not getting caught up in worrying about ~things~ that i don’t actually give a shit about. that maybe i’m veering off track and this lost feeling is because i’ve lost focus on the things that do actually matter to me. at times it feels like ole’ tony is holding up some kind of mirror for me. in a sense, isn’t that all we are ever really doing for each other? for now, i will enjoy the book and whatever else may swing my way as i try to listen. another thing i’ve gathered thus far is that it is vital to create meaning for yourself, whatever that may mean to you. it doesn’t have to start as this noble, altruistic thing. just keep learning! journey-ing! it will keep opening you up and, i believe, if you’re truly honest with yourself about it then there will probably be some level of altruism in the meaning that you find or create. you can call it optimism on my part but i think it’s purely human.

by now i’m sure you know our first official anti-recommendation…. say it with me…. 1) TRAVEL LIGHTLY (*all recs subject to change at any time because that’s how life works*) . i tend to instinctually lean toward “less is more” in most areas of my life and travel is no different. shoes were pretty much that last remaining barrier between my beloved forest & me and now, walking barefoot with her is a stark reminder of how ~things~ can be such a barrier to integrating into an experience. the way that My Octopus Teacher Guy instinctually knew not to wear a wetsuit if he really wanted to assimilate with that insane south african ocean, that foreign underwater forest. the other day, i was speaking with someone about the ways in which an accumulation of money can isolate you. in my previous travels, the profoundest moments and stories that i have are from times when i had little of it. when you are moving through space alongside locals. sharing food with them, being invited in by them, sleeping on couches with their families, sweating on buses next to them for hours, attending multiple day weddings with them and 100 of their closest folks, being stranded at bus stations with them trying desperately to figure out how to get out of a mountain town before nightfall. both wonderful and terrible couchsurfing experiences where you gotta bail immediately. hitchhiking in isolated areas to train stations because your host got too high and bailed on driving you last min but the train leaves the station for a different country in 10 minutes and you don’t have enough money to buy another ticket (you made it with 3 minutes to spare and bought road beers with the last of your change since the friendly strangers who gave you a ride laughed at the small amount and refused to take it, btw :). traveling lightly makes for fun moments like that. you know, the moments you don’t typically have when you’re taking the more expensive long distant taxis to hotels with warm water or a/c. or both! wow! dining out next to your fellow tourists in nice restaurants that have enough amenities to make you all comfortable. and there are other differences like, for example, taking an overnight bus 10+ hours to get to where you’re going or taking a small plane at 6 x’s the price for a mere 30 mins (of which i did both). NO SHADE! i love being comfortable, who doesn’t? it’s only recently that i have started to experience some travel in this way. i hadn’t been on a small plane in, like, 18 years until last november so i’m just here making silly little observations. money can be isolating. shoes can be a barrier. money makes things easier. easy is nice but it isn’t super memorable. shoes on hot asphalt are also nice. i’m just taking notes.

the entire concept of travel is shrouded in such an absurd level of privilege that i feel like i have little left to say at this point. this newsletter thing is hard. idk how people don’t get sick to death of hearing themselves talk? i’m thankful to the few of you who read this. you, anti-reader, hold me accountable. support me. you encourage me to participate in ritual, in sharing, in honesty, in vulnerability, in consistency. these are valuable things, much more valuable than money. also, i like that these thangs often don’t have pretty little endings. rather, more questions. a continuous exploration. a ride. whatever you’re into.

i’m pondering what i need to perceive in order to expand the potential of what is possible. and if this newsletter made any fucking sense. what are you pondering, anti-reader?

i’m gonna go eat some beans now. thanks for playing today! i’m glad you’re here. i love you.

see you next week xoxo

lex